DR. KATE’S COOL KIDS GUIDE TO ETIQUETTE
In general, good manners have pretty much gone the way of the Thigh Master and floral stirrup pants. With a little bit of help, though, you too can reach Dr. Kate’s level of maximum cool kid-ness when you abide by the following. Don’t say you haven’t been schooled.
Meeting New People: A cool kid will do their best to remember people’s names. The “I’m not good with names” excuse is weak and basically means you don’t care. You probably remember the names of all the Lord of the Ring characters, at least 3 MTV Veejays, and the entire cast of 90210; and you don’t even know them. Learn my name.
Grooming: Nobody expects you to take a shower every day. That being said, take a shower sometimes. Unless you just got back from hiking the Appalachian Trail and running a 5k in Florida, you really have no excuse. Your smell becomes everyone’s smell to smell when you smell, smelly.
Smoking: In case you didn’t know, some people don’t like smoke. We tolerate it at the bar and stuff, but no you can’t smoke in my car, no you can’t smoke inside my house, and yes, you may just have to wait 10 whole minutes until you smoke again, so don’t even ask. Cool kids know better.
Also, when you’re smoking a cigarette, be aware that there is a tiny, burning ember at the tip of it. It’s fire, essentially. When you wave it around or don’t pay attention (probably while drunk), you could burn someone/something. This makes you look like a jerk and a mess; a jerkmess. If I went around wielding a fiery mini-torch while drunk, I would expect you to tell me to cool it down.
Lastly, pick your cigarette butts up off the ground. If I wanted my dog to eat it, I would cover it in peanut butter.
Drinking: Hold your shit down. This isn’t high school, and I’m not your 21-year old brother who’s going to hook you up with Evan Williams and then lie to Mom when you barf all over the basement. You should know your limits by this point in your life.
Phoning: In the event that you’re hanging with friends (me especially), put your smart phone in your pocket, or in your purse, or up your ass. Really as long as it’s not in reach of your hand or ear for a majority of the time I hang out with you, you’ll be a cool kid in my book. I know you pay like $500 a month to have it, but when you sit it on the table next to you like it’s another person, it makes me want to punch your phone in the face.
Dining Out: First of all, appetizers are generally a waste of money. Unless it’s a super awesome place with specialty fancy shit, I don’t want to throw in extra money for $10 nachos that I have to reach halfway across the table for, only to receive two lame bites.
Another thing, if we’re at dinner and the waiter asks if we want dessert, don’t immediately say no, assuming that your partner in dinner (me) doesn’t want any. Cool kids know that some friends (me) like dessert more than they like most people. At least let a bitch hear the options. Dang.
Oh, and no, I don’t want to split the check up equally between 25 people. No, it’s not going to work out easier for everyone. Yes, someone always gets reamed in this deal….and it won’t be this cool kid. Bring cash, yo.
Table Manners: Chew with your fucking mouth closed.
Entertaining (at Your House): If you’re going to have a party at night time, I would say most hostly obligations don’t count. As long as you have a running toilet, I appreciate you having me over. If you have a party somewhere around noon, especially if you’re serving alcohol, please provide some food. It’s lunchtime, you asked me to be there at 12:00p.m., and we’re not nineteen anymore. I’m assuming you will at least throw me some oyster crackers or a tub of triumvirate holiday popcorn.
Entertaining at (My House): Try not to pee, poop or hurl on anything. If you do, just say sorry. Knowing how to say you’re sorry is an important part of life. Cool kids know that sometimes their shit does, in fact, stink. Real bad, even.
Finally, so glad you came over! Now you need to know when it’s your time to GO. It’s usually about an hour before you actually do. xxxooo
On January 6th at the Star Bar, Hyde and Vouched Books are joining forces with team Luis to celebrate the holiday season- post-holidays*. In the wasteland of Christmas lights, burnt out menorahs, eggnog prompted indigestion, and weird interactions with alcoholic relatives and eccentric cousins “Holiday Hangover” will attempt to make sense of the chaos that has ensued- while coping with the help of the hair of the dog.
